Double Standards Against Women

Are you someone reflecting on how women are treated in many societies? Or perhaps someone curious about these experiences? Whoever you are, thank you for reading this.

Society often treats women differently, and the effects of these double standards can be deeply felt in various aspects of life. A quote from A Thousand Splendid Suns captures this inequality: “Like a compass needle facing north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman.” Although fictional, this sentiment reflects the reality for many women.

When rape happens, society often questions the woman’s clothing, behavior, or whereabouts, as if these are the reasons why a man committed such a crime. This not only blames the victim but also allows the perpetrator to avoid full accountability. Instead of addressing the root cause, society shifts its focus to the victim, perpetuating harmful stereotypes and fostering an unsafe environment for women.

Double standards also manifest in how people view personal choices. If a woman has had multiple partners, she’s labeled as “cheap” or “slut” with her value reduced to a moral judgment. But if a man has the same experience, he’s often admired as a “playboy” or “casanova,” a title that glorifies his actions instead of criticizing them.

In families, these biases are often reinforced from an early age. Sons are excused from household responsibilities and sometimes even questioned about their masculinity if they help in the kitchen. Daughters, however, are expected to take on these tasks and are often scolded if they don’t. This prepares girls for a future where they are expected to manage all household duties while boys grow up with no such expectations.

In marriage, the inequality continues. A man who works is rarely expected to contribute to household chores. But for a woman, working is often seen as secondary to her “main duty” of managing the home. Even when both partners have jobs, women are frequently forced to handle both work and domestic responsibilities. If a man helps his wife with chores, it’s sometimes considered shameful or unusual.

These double standards extend to infidelity. If a husband cheats, people often dismiss it by saying, “He’s just being a man; it’s normal. As long as you’re the legal wife, he’ll come back to you.” In some cases, society even blames the wife for not keeping her husband interested. But if a woman cheats, she’s labeled as sinful and immoral, facing far harsher criticism than her male counterpart.

These examples highlight how deeply rooted double standards are in society, shaping the lives of women unfairly. This doesn’t just burden women; it also holds society back from achieving true equality. Recognizing and challenging these biases is essential to fostering a world where both men and women are valued equally and judged by the same standards.

Divorce as a sign of failure.

Everyone wants to have a happy life—who wouldn’t? Those who see marriage as a key part of that life will search for a partner, aiming to be a happy wife or husband and to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling marriage. It’s human nature to desire connection, give affection, and fall in love. If everything goes well, they tie the knot. But is that the end? No. Marriage is just the beginning, a new door to another room, a new step on a journey to a different destination.

There will always be challenges and problems. The lucky ones solve them together, but unfortunately, not all couples are able to. Over time, people may discover sides of their partner they didn’t know about or didn’t expect. It might be a fixable bad habit, but in worse cases, the partner could be controlling, unhappy with the other’s success, untrustworthy, or even abusive and unfaithful. When this happens, the marriage becomes unhealthy and toxic.

It’s well-documented that domestic violence disproportionately affects women. According to data from 28 police forces, 73.5% of domestic abuse-related crimes recorded by the police in the year ending March 2023 had female victims, compared to 26.5% where the victims were male (ONS, 2023a). This data likely represents just the tip of the iceberg, as some women may choose to remain silent. The main reason can be dependence on their husband—whether because he is the sole breadwinner or for the sake of their children. Another factor is social norms. 

In some places, unfortunately, divorce is seen as a failure. It’s a value passed on through generations, where enduring an unhealthy marriage is viewed as normal. The idea that enduring an unhealthy marriage, no matter how painful or harmful, is a sign of strength and commitment. But this is absolutely untrue. Society often places the burden on individuals, pushing them to keep their marriage and bury their heads in the sand about the reasons it may need to end.

Divorce doesn’t mean failure. On the contrary, it’s a sign of self-respect when the marriage is no longer healthy and give emotional support. Retaining a marriage for image or societal expectations can actually lead to greater damage—mentally, emotionally, and even physically. Moreover, allowing yourself to be abused, cheated on, excessively controlled, unloved, and unappreciated by your partner is the real failure. Sometimes, the reason is simply growing apart in ways that cannot be reconciled or fixed.

Remember, life doesn’t end with divorce—it continues. So, it’s completely okay to divorce when necessary. Although it is understandable that people might be afraid to estranged. But always remember that your happiness and sanity is the most important, eventually you cant count on other people, they are not responsible for your life, so their opinion is inconsequential. Moving on from an unhealthy relationship is not about running away losing and giving up; it’s about choosing to live you deserve, such as respect, genuine happiness, love, and self-preservation. You can always find what you deserve elsewhere.

Failed Leadership: Who Is at Fault?

    One of the most popular journalists in Indonesia, Najwa Shihab, once said, "Kita sering menuntut mengapa pemimpin kita korup, tidak jujur, tapi mungkin anomali ini adalah refleksi dari kondisi rakyat Indonesia, karena rakyatlah yang memilih pemimpin." If I translate this to English, it becomes, "We often demand why our leaders are corrupt and dishonest, but perhaps this anomaly is a reflection of the condition of the Indonesian people, because it is the people who elect the leaders." This idea has stuck in my mind since I read it about seven years ago.

    We can't deny that leaders reflect the society they come from. Why? Because we, the people, always have a choice in whom we elect. The developed countries we admire today didn’t achieve their status instantly; they went through long histories of collective action. For instance, France became prosperous and developed because its people pushed for change and held their leaders accountable. Similarly, South Korea transformed after its people took an active role in reshaping their political system. Even Indonesia’s democracy today didn’t come about without sacrifice. In 1998, it was the people—especially students—who protested against the Suharto regime, ultimately leading to his resignation and the beginning of the Reformation era. Although problems still exist, and our journey toward true democracy continues, that moment showed the power of collective action

    In Indonesia, we face a similar challenge. Currently, there is growing dissatisfaction with the family of the former president, Joko Widodo. It is particularly concerning because his youngest son, Kaesang Pangarep, will be nominated in the 2024 regional elections. This has caused concern among many who feel that people are voting out of bigotry or misplaced loyalty, rather than objectively evaluating the candidates. It seems that voters are blind to the more extensive implications, prioritizing legacy and emotion over competence and integrity.

    I believe we all have the capacity to discern which politicians genuinely serve the public interest. It stands to reason that there may be no perfect or purely honest politician, but can’t we at least take a closer look to find out who is better compared to others? however, many are swayed by loyalty to certain political figures or their families, making it difficult to see the full picture objectively.

    On the other hand, while we bear the responsibility of electing leaders, we can't forget that cooperation is essential for meaningful change. We won't achieve our goals if only a few people are actively involved. There must be synergy between the people and their leaders. Both sides need to work together with the shared intention of bringing about political and non-political prosperity and stability.

    But here's the thing: change doesn’t happen just because of one moment or one uprising and and results don’t come from one side alone—it requires a collaborative and unified effort from both the electorate and those in power.  It's a continuous process that requires constant courage, attention and perseverance. The question now is, do we, as Indonesians, still have the same wish and willingness to make a change? Are we still as engaged as we were in 1998, or have we become ignorant? It’s a reminder that a healthy democracy depends on the people’s ongoing participation, not just their votes but their voices and actions as well.

The best way to learn a new language

    Everyone has their own method for learning a language, but the best way to find what works for you is to try different approaches. It's impossible to know what you want, need, and what suits you until you explore. Just like you can't know what it's like to live in a particular place until you go there, right?

    I have asked people who are learning new languages how they reached their current level, and here are some tips based on my observations:

1. Learn Grammar:

   Have you ever heard that grammar isn't important? If so, that's absolutely wrong. Grammar affects how people understand and interpret your point. If you can't understand grammar, it's difficult to construct a grammatically correct sentence. Grammar is also essential for formal occasions, such as the IELTS exam, essays, news articles, and journals. Here's an interesting fact about grammar: intelligence officers can sometimes detect lies based on the grammar someone uses. However, while grammar is important, it's not the most crucial aspect.

2. Learn Basic Conversation:

   Before diving into other areas, you should learn basic vocabulary for everyday situations. For example, you'll need vocabulary for buying things, asking for directions, and expressing your opinion. Initially, you don't need to know slang or idioms, just basic words that people will understand. Many people these days are obsessed with sounding like a native speaker and end up neglecting consistency. Remember, you're not a native speaker, so learn step-by-step. You can say "I like it" and even British people might say "I fancy it, I'm into it, and I have soft spot for. "

3. Incorporate Your Hobbies:

   Everyone has hobbies, whether it's watching movies, listening to music, reading, or writing. Learning a language can be boring and exhausting, so use your hobbies to make it enjoyable. For example, you can watch movies with subtitles in the language you're learning.

4. Immerse Yourself in the Language:

   This is what I've been doing. I changed the language settings on my phone and laptop to my target language. I read news articles, use social media, write, speak, and even think in that language. By doing this, I've become accustomed to it, and the language has become a part of my life since I started learning it a year ago.

5. Learn Context:

   Stop translating everything into your own language, because not all languages have the same context. There might be expressions in your language that don't have a direct equivalent in another language. That's why it's important to learn context, understand the meaning and purpose of a word or phrase, and know where, when, and in what situations to use it. The Cambridge Dictionary is a great resource for learning context; you can easily access it at https://dictionary.cambridge.org/

6. Take Notes:

   This tip is related to number 4. Whenever I come across a new word or vocabulary term, I write it down in my notes along with its context. This helps me remember it easily, and the next time I encounter the word, I won't have to search the internet because I already have it in my notes.

7. Practice Regularly:

   Someone told me that it's not about learning a language, but using it. They were absolutely correct. You can't become fluent without practice; it's what hones your skills. I know many people don't have opportunities to practice because they don't have a language partner, but they forget that they have themselves. You can definitely talk to yourself to get used to speaking in the language. Whenever you say something in your native language, think about how you would express it in the language you're learning. By practicing this regularly, you'll gradually become more fluent. AI language partners can also be beneficial because they can correct your mistakes.

    Remember, learning by doing is still the most important principle. Even if you practice every day, you won't achieve fluency if you don't also enrich your vocabulary. You'll just keep talking about the same things again and again, it will get you nowhere. The bottom line is that all the tips I've listed are interconnected. I hope this helps you!